Women spend their whole lives managing their hormones, some from as early as the age of 10, if not earlier, when their periods start. Not only do we have to cope with the physical nuisance every month, which for a child is not only embarrassing but disgusting too, especially if you are the first one in the class to start. Then there is the humiliation if you are the last girl to start, maybe not until 15 or 16 years old.
I was just 12 when it landed, on a day I was going swimming with my dad to his sub-aqua diving club. Which I loved, and could only go in the school holidays because it was a late finish for a school night. I can remember it like it was yesterday, not 38 years ago, that’s how much trauma it creates. I was devastated. How could I go swimming now?
Luckily, I have a very practical mum who got me using tampons that very same day, and after an extremely embarrassing moment of not being able to get one out, I went swimming that night and all was well.
At school, back in the 80s and 90s, girls were made to wear only gym pants, I think that’s what they were called, for athletics in the summer. How embarrassing. ‘Luckily’, the other sports we could wear a teeny weeny netball skirt, eye roll here. Then we were forced through the showers with the PE teacher standing watch, whether we needed one or not.
This is only a small impact that periods have on a girl’s life.
Thinking about it now, it is traumatic. Whether you are the first to start your period or the last, the boys think it’s hilarious and take the mick tirelessly, adding to the humiliation.
As a young girl, there is so much to deal with just on the physical side, and in managing the practical requirements periods necessitate. Then add in the rollercoaster of hormones and the emotions that these hormones create.
It’s no surprise girls can be labelled ‘over-sensitive’ or cry all the time. There is so much more to deal with. But labelling someone over-sensitive adds another level of shame, another thing we need to try and manage or mask.
I think this is when anxiety began for me, although I didn’t know it then. All of a sudden, I hated Sunday afternoons because I was already worrying about going to school the next day, even though I quite liked school most of the time. I had great friends and enjoyed learning. I was confused as to why I had this knot in my stomach as soon as I heard the EastEnders Omnibus theme tune on a Sunday afternoon. It impacted my weekends. I couldn’t enjoy them like I thought I should.
I went to school every day. I barely had any time off with sickness, because I had FOMO, the fear of missing out. What if I missed something really important, or my friends decided not to be my friends anymore?
This ‘what if’ underpins anxiety for me. What if I can’t answer clients’ questions? What if no-one comes to class anymore? What if they like her more than me? What if the sky falls down? But what if the sky doesn’t fall down, Nik?
When I am in a phase of deep anxiety, I can only see the sky falling down. I am writing this on the 7th January 2026, following a two-week break for Christmas and New Year. I spent the second week in a phase of deep anxiety. What if no-one comes back to class?
Monday afternoon was my first class in 2026, and I was so nervous I was shaking. What if no-one turns up? What if I can’t remember how to teach Shibashi? What if I get it in the wrong order? What if I say something stupid? Well, people did turn up. I didn’t forget how to teach. I didn’t get the order wrong, and I always say silly things, so nothing new there. The sky didn’t fall down. I immediately felt better.
Some women experience their first glimpses of anxiety during pregnancy. As previously mentioned, mine was in childhood, so I was already ‘what if-ing’. I am not going to list the what ifs here, because luckily my what ifs didn’t happen, but I know some people’s what ifs did happen, and I don’t want to trigger any trauma.
Surprisingly, my significant ‘what ifs’ happened post-birth. What if I can’t look after this tiny human? What if I forget about them and leave them at the shops, like my mum left me outside a local shop in the pram in 1976. Obviously all was well, she remembered and went back for me, and there I was. It was a different time then. Luckily, we look so alike, otherwise I might have to question, what if someone else took me home? Haha. What if they are still wearing nappies when they start school? What if they still need a dummy to sleep at 15 years old?
This is when anxiety started affecting my life regularly. Catastrophising everything. Being unable to shake off the spiralling thoughts in my mind, the tightness in my chest, not being able to breathe, minor panic attacks, heart palpitations. Not being able to attend social events, not answering the phone, not opening letters, not opening emails. None of this happened all in one go. It built slowly.
Each what if regarding the children slowly ebbed away. They went to school not still in nappies. I hadn’t left them anywhere. They are now fully functioning young adults who are independent enough to keep themselves clean and alive.
So why had I been hit with another bout of anxiety in the summer of 2019? Everything was going well. My Pilates business was booming. I married my second husband in February. These were my two big what ifs after the ones surrounding my children. What if my business fails? What if no-one wants me? Following the separation with my first husband, it made no sense.
Until I went to the GP and listed my symptoms and was diagnosed as perimenopausal. What? I’m only 43. Surely it can’t be. Menopause happens when you are 50, doesn’t it?
Apparently not.
HRT helped. Then COVID threw a hand grenade into my business and all our lives. I went into overdrive, pivoting from in-person classes to an online business, streaming live classes, not wanting to lose any of my members. Because what if we couldn’t afford to pay the bills and became homeless?
So I did everything I possibly could to keep everyone happy and engaged. But inevitably, members fell away the longer we were locked down, then allowed out, then locked down again. I was exhausted. I had no energy left to rebuild the business. So in November 2022, I closed my business and got a proper job, employed full-time for the first time since 1999.
Apologies, I digressed.
Puberty, pre-natal, post-natal, and perimenopausal all equal significant fluctuations in hormones, all contributing to varying degrees of anxiety and many other symptoms, from acne to as much facial hair growing on your chin as you are losing from your head, but that’s for another blog.
Tai Chi Qigong Shibashi opened a whole new world to me. Traditional Chinese Medicine is thousands of years old and has helped millions of people worldwide. Steeped in Buddhist and Daoist philosophy, Tai Chi Qigong Shibashi has helped me manage my anxiety and realise that meditation really does help, even when performed moving whilst in a class environment.
I am at the beginning of this journey and have a lot to learn. They say that Tai Chi is a 20-year practice. It is something that opens door after door to new perspective, understanding, and awareness. Just doing the movements helps mentally and physically, then with more practice it helps emotionally and spiritually too, not religiously, more soulfully.
If any of my story resonates with you, leave a comment below and tell me how you manage your anxiety or your main what if moments. Maybe you have experienced the same periods of deep anxiety during the four Ps, puberty, pre-natal, post-natal, and perimenopause. I would love to hear from you.
I help women manage their anxiety through Tai Chi Qigong Shibashi, a meditative movement practice. Maybe I could help you too. As I mentioned earlier, I am still managing my own anxiety peaks and troughs, which I hope in time will become fewer and fewer. During these times, we can help each other.
Interested in finding out more?
Click the link: www.theshibashisanctuary.com
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